Free to Good Home

Fantasy Weekend

Okay, so I've been dealing with a lot of change in my life lately and it has made me feel very lonely at times. I have found myself really missing my close girlfriends - the ones that I can tell all the screwed up thoughts about myself to without worrying what they're going to think about me. It got me thinking about how hard it is to find time to nurture the relationships with other women that I treasure and how much I really need that nourishment for my soul. I can't lie...what really started me thinking about this was the drink I was going to make myself once Cassie was asleep later that night. This of course, got me fantasizing about those weekends in college where you could go out with your girlfriends and drink yourself silly without having to wait until the baby is in bed or care about the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Keep in mind, this was all happening as I sat in rush hour traffic on Friday afternoon with Cassie passed out in her car seat - just to set the scene. Yes, I was paying attention to the road. I'm a woman; I multi-task!

Anyway, I digress. So I started calling a few of my girlfriends in an effort to talk some of this over before I burst into tears on the 91 freeway. Unfortunately, none of them answered their phones...which got me thinking...their lives are as crazy as mine and maybe I wasn't totally alone in my misery. I'd like to say that this made me feel better, but it didn't. However, about 20 minutes down the road (by the way, this is about 7 miles in 91 freeway time), when the self-pity and self-loathing started to retreat, I got an idea. What if we had a reason to get together once a year for something that was affordable and meaningful enough that we would leave our kids, spouse, and take a day off of work if necessary to nourish our souls?

This got me excited because my next thought was about my bachelorette party. No, we're not back to the drinking again. Unlike many bachelorette parties, my sisters planned the perfect girls getaway with plenty of time for talking and catching up with friends while still making room for some pampering. That weekend was one of those special moments in time that I hold on to because I knew it was one of those moments that couldn't be repeated. It was at this great location on the central coast of California called Sycamore Springs http://www.sycamoresprings.com/. A few of you will remember this place. The area is near the beach, wine tasting, has spa and mineral springs facilities, paths for hiking, affordable lodging, good food...what else needs to be said after wine and food??

So now for the idea - A Women's Retreat Weekend. There would be a loose itinerary allowing time for sleeping-in, reading, catching up with old friends, and making new ones, but would also have opportunities to feed the body, mind and spirit. We wouldn't bring in outsiders to facilitate it; it would be facilitated by the women in attendance. Each woman could participate in as little or as much as she wanted.

Here are some ideas to give you a better picture of what I'm thinking about: yoga session(s), book review, cooking class, arts & crafts (although this would not be a sales opportunity for scrapbooking or stamping), meditation, etc. All this would be coordinated by one or more of the women attending the weekend. There could also be time for things such as spa treatments, wine tasting, and exploring the area. There would also be sometime each day where we would all come together, connect and share.

So I haven't worked out any details beyond this, but does this interest anyone? I'd love to attend something like this, and I'm willing to take the lead, but I would need a commitment from other women to help make the weekend happen - an event committee so to speak.

Post your thoughts and if there's enough interest, perhaps we can work for something next year.

If You Give a Mommy a Muffin

Just a little something we can all relate to!!

If you give a Mom a muffin...
She'll want a strong cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll make herself some.
Her three year old will spill the coffee.
She'll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she'll find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the box of Goodwill items.
Bumping into the Goodwill items will remind her she has to get these boxes in the car and out of her basement.
When she puts the boxes in the car, she'll find a bag of groceries and this will remind her she has to cook dinner.
She will get out the chicken defrosting in the fridge.
She'll look for her cookbook (101 Things To Do With Chicken).
The cookbook will be sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the Netflix movie she's meant to mail and the preschool bill, which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook will be in her purse that is being dumped out by her one year old.
She'll smell something funny.
She'll change the baby's diaper.
As she finishes up, she'll realize she brought the hand sanitizer down to the kitchen.
While she is throwing away the diaper and searching for the hand sanitizer, the phone will ring.
Her three year old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she wants to phone a friend not for coffee but a very strong drink.
Thinking of drinking will remind her that she was going to have a cup of coffee in order to stay awake for the rest of the day.
And chances are...
If she finds her cup of coffee (which she has to reheat by now), her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Happy Mother's Day...Belated!

As I was thinking about Mother's Day this last week and weekend I thought, "Well, darn it, your blog is for mothers you've got to write something in honor of Mother's Day!" As I shifted through a lot of bad ideas, I started thinking about my friend Imelda who became the mother of twin girls 8 months ago.
A couple of weekends ago, Scott, Cassie and I drove up to San Gabriel to visit Imelda, Turhan and their two little girls Camilla and Maya. I had met Camilla before, but hadn't had the chance to meet Maya because she had been in the hospital for some time after her birth. Watching Imelda with her girls really touched and inspired me. She tended to an average 8 month old, Camilla, while nuturing tiny little Maya, no bigger than a 4 month old, as she grows bigger and stronger. Imelda went from one task to another, juggling the needs of each one with such grace and confidence...like an old pro. There have been so many times when I have been overwhelmed by the needs of my one little Cassie that watching her left me in awe.
Now I'm sure that when Imelda reads this that she will probably laugh her head-off thinking I must have been smoking something really good that day. Both Scott and Turhan were there and I'm sure wouldn't have any clue about what I'm writing about. Cassie was getting into everything, climbing all over the house and putting every electrical cord in her mouth, Camilla was hungry and letting us know about it, Maya was checking us out as we were all trying to catch up on the last year of our lives. In the midst of it all, Imelda excitedly celebrated Maya 's first cooing sounds. Imelda had the whole scene under control and was still able to keep up a coherent conversation.
Experiencing my second Mother's Day is much different than experiencing my first. I am so much more aware of what it means to be a mother. The last 14 months of my life have created a confidence in me that I wasn't aware I possessed. It's also drawn out my weaknesses, but that seems okay when I put them up against what I've learned about myself since last Mother's Day. Mainly that, I can do it! I can really do this mom thing and be good at it...I can ask for help and not be weak...I can be silly in front of strangers and not care what they think about me...I can love myself with the same tenderness that my daugther loves me...I can appreciate the deep and tender love that my own mother has given me all these years...I can see the competence in another mom and give myself credit for the same. Watching Imelda, I realized that no one but a mom understands the heart of another mother - the sweat, the tears, the doubt, the heartbreaking love, the joy, the strength. Even the most dedicated, involved and loving father can't understand what we mother's appreciate about each other. There is something about being the protectress of the family that binds us together.
I am blessed to know many wonderful mothers and I honor each of you. You inspire me on my own motherhood journey. Thank you for that gift! Happy Mother's Day!

Acid Reflux

You can certainly tell from the lack of entries as of late that life has been a little more chaotic than usual. First it was Cassie's 1st birthday, then Easter, then...yada, yada, yada. I'm in totally uncharter waters is just about every aspect of my life right now and so I've clammed up. I've been hiding. You know that feeling of "if I say anything I'll jinx it". That about sums it up with a some self-doubt and anxiety thrown into it. I'm living on Zantac these days.
Okay, so what's going on? I've been offered a promotion at work and I want to take it. I'm wrestling with how I'm going to maintain the delicate balance I've created (and when I say delicate I mean fragile) with being wife, mom, and professional woman. I've been really proud of myself this past year in how I've felt at the end of each day - tired yes, but fulfilled more days than not. Cassie's thrived and Scott and I have grown closer to each other through our love for her. I'm afraid to mess it all up. Scott is supportive and encouraging even though it means a lot of upheaval for him. It makes me fell like a little girl inside not the competent and compassionate woman that I've become over the past 32 years. I'm afraid I'll fail, that people will see the scared little girl...and then what will I do.
And so the heartburn has started. It's not quite to the same level as when Scott quit his job at Norte Vista right after we got married or when I was pregnant for that matter. But it's there as a reminder that I'm worried. As I'm writing this, I'm aware that I am achieving a goal I didn't allow myself to say out loud for so many years. And I'm crossing a threshold into a world where I don't have a lot of mentors. It's probably the first time in my life where I feel like I can't look at my mom for an example of what to do, how to be. Honestly, I think I'm also feeling selfish for wanting this for myself, and for wanting it my way. I've actually heard myself say (you know in one of those internal conversations), "Who are you to ask for this? You'll never get it...you want too much." I'm afraid that if I ask for what I want that I won't get it and then I'll lose the opportunity all together.
You know, I'm really good at what I do. My greatest strength is helping others to see their own strengths and inspiring them to direct it to a common vision. If only I could apply that principle too myself. I'm on the ride but I'm white knuckling it - I'm not enjoying it. And God, I want to enjoy it! For the first time in my life, I'm grappling with what it means to be a woman as a wife and mother and as myself. I'll keep you posted on how it's going...to be continued.

Childhood revisited

Here I go again... Colette (8 1/2 yo) has been coming home for the past few weeks (Wednesdays thru Fridays) "sharing" about friends. Their treating each other badly, poorly, disrespectfully, you pick the adjective. It only seems to come up the end of the school week. Obviously temperments have come to the lower thresholds... Anyway, I've been playing devil's advocate and trying to get her to see the other side without sharing too much of what I do know about the kids' home life. But the last two days I just have gotten frustrated and asking myself, "Why can't she see they're being so mean? Why can't she stand up for herself? What is so attractive about these girls that she needs them? Why is she still hanging out with them?" I see my childhood all over again through these talks Colette and I are sharing. Don't misunderstand - I am SO glad she's talking to me.

This morning before the bus pick up she's sharing again (timing isn't her thing just yet) about yesterday at recess. It was a Thursday so the girls fell into the trend they had set. To make the situation even worse they're all signed up for the talent show together. I asked her to drop out of the talent show. Yes, that's avoidance. But does she really need this nonsense in her life?! She looked disappointed - of course - so I said, "I want you to surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you," and used Rich and myself as examples I believed she could relate to. I first used my treasurer position in PTO. I don't hang out with the other board members. They're great volunteers but - well, let's leave it at that. I don't teach in the building I retired from because the principal and I didn't see issues the same way regarding best practices and such. I shared that Rich surrounds himself with employees that work well together and have their eye on the same prize. But I still hadn't made my point because she still "needed" those girls! So I came up with - "Colette, you are CEO and president of Colette Terese Martinez Inc. " She smiled. She liked that so I kept going. "You need to hire people that make you feel good and make you shine. Who are you going to hire?" She stopped to think and looked lost. So I offered "applicants". Some people she answered yes to with immediancy and others she gave a maybe or a no. This was working! The girls we were just talking about were maybe's or no's.

I was suddenly reminded of a time I was 7 and there was a new girl in the class. She had what we all thought was a rabbit fur coat and thought she was soooooo cool. One day she talked me into going home with her and I did. I didn't call home and came home waaaaay later than school let out. My mother, of course, was in a panic and I was grounded for a period of time, but I still liked that girl and would fall in line with ideas she had - we were in girl scouts together, talent show, slumber parties... I shared the playdate story with Colette. Her eyes got really big, "You did?!" I admitted it along with other ideas Lara came up with at slumber parties. "Should I have hired her, Colette?" "No, Mom. Grammie must have been really worried." I think I made my point.

Lesson = perhaps we shouldn't "curse" our children by saying we hope the have kids just like them when we're mad, frustrated, put out, pick the adjective.

It's Hard Not to Think that Parents Don't Care Anymore

Scott and I were at this Catholic conference this weekend. I know that sounds like a real snore, but it really wasn't. We've been to this thing before and this was the first time as parents which meant we were signed up for all the parenting focused workshops. It was actually really wonderful to do something like that together (i.e. working on being better parents together). Anyhow, one of the speakers, Dr. David Walsh, a psychologist who specializes in child and teen development and how the media plays a role in it, was especially great. He recently wrote a book called No. Why Kids-of All Ages-Need It and Ways Parents Can Say It. (http://www.mediafamily.org/store/no.shtml) that talks about the link between school/career success and self discipline...which or course we learn from how we are raised. I think I've had this attitude that some parents just don't care about teaching their children manners or appropriate behavior (and I know that some of them don't), but I came to the realization that parents are so darn scared of messing up that they don't do anything. I have a greater appreciation for how much effort and dedication it takes to be a vigilant parent about these sorts of things. Which, of course, is no excuse for those moms sitting around allowing their children to treat others with disrespect. God, help us!!
Anyway, I don't know what to say to make it better, Staci, except that you are an amazing mom raising the type of children who are going to grow up and make the world a different and better place for the next generation. You know, you've got to feel sorry for those other children whose parents think that discipline and consideration towards others aren't important enough to teach them - like good character just develops in a person like magic.
So I just wanted to say...vent all you want! You're doing a great job mom!