Acid Reflux

You can certainly tell from the lack of entries as of late that life has been a little more chaotic than usual. First it was Cassie's 1st birthday, then Easter, then...yada, yada, yada. I'm in totally uncharter waters is just about every aspect of my life right now and so I've clammed up. I've been hiding. You know that feeling of "if I say anything I'll jinx it". That about sums it up with a some self-doubt and anxiety thrown into it. I'm living on Zantac these days.
Okay, so what's going on? I've been offered a promotion at work and I want to take it. I'm wrestling with how I'm going to maintain the delicate balance I've created (and when I say delicate I mean fragile) with being wife, mom, and professional woman. I've been really proud of myself this past year in how I've felt at the end of each day - tired yes, but fulfilled more days than not. Cassie's thrived and Scott and I have grown closer to each other through our love for her. I'm afraid to mess it all up. Scott is supportive and encouraging even though it means a lot of upheaval for him. It makes me fell like a little girl inside not the competent and compassionate woman that I've become over the past 32 years. I'm afraid I'll fail, that people will see the scared little girl...and then what will I do.
And so the heartburn has started. It's not quite to the same level as when Scott quit his job at Norte Vista right after we got married or when I was pregnant for that matter. But it's there as a reminder that I'm worried. As I'm writing this, I'm aware that I am achieving a goal I didn't allow myself to say out loud for so many years. And I'm crossing a threshold into a world where I don't have a lot of mentors. It's probably the first time in my life where I feel like I can't look at my mom for an example of what to do, how to be. Honestly, I think I'm also feeling selfish for wanting this for myself, and for wanting it my way. I've actually heard myself say (you know in one of those internal conversations), "Who are you to ask for this? You'll never get it...you want too much." I'm afraid that if I ask for what I want that I won't get it and then I'll lose the opportunity all together.
You know, I'm really good at what I do. My greatest strength is helping others to see their own strengths and inspiring them to direct it to a common vision. If only I could apply that principle too myself. I'm on the ride but I'm white knuckling it - I'm not enjoying it. And God, I want to enjoy it! For the first time in my life, I'm grappling with what it means to be a woman as a wife and mother and as myself. I'll keep you posted on how it's going...to be continued.