Jealous Confessions

I'm not a commuting mommy. Unless, of course, you count the 1-2 hours a week I teach yoga (which I don't). I am mostly a stay at home mom, and most days I don't think I'm very good at it. This is my confession: many days I am jealous of working moms. I know it's a grass is greener situation, but let me continue. Today as my darling husband was about to leave for work, I asked if he could watch the boy for 2 minutes so I could use the bathroom. I got a martyred, "GO." "Forget it, I'll take him." I replied. "No it's fine." he said. It clearly wasn't, but if he's not going to be honest, that's his problem, not mine. As I was sitting in the bathroom for two minutes I thought, "He doesn't have a clue."

I was daydreaming just then of using the bathroom all day without anyone unrolling all the toilet paper, putting little hands in the toilet, grabbing my hairbrush and hiding it where I'll never find it, or pinching my leg because I'm taking too long and he wants to go play. I think if I worked outside the house, I might never come out of the bathroom. I'd bring my book in there, and sit. That's it. Just sit. I know I wouldn't get much actual work done. But it's my current fantasy. I also dream of eating a meal without having to share it, pick up half of it off the floor, or sing songs to my son to keep him in the high chair while I try to finish eating.

Most days, I take it hour by hour, simply getting through the day. Even though my pediatrician has warned me against t.v. for eyes and brains under 3, I sing "Alleluia" when Seasame St. comes on at 10. I love Wednesdays because my son is entertained watching the garbage trucks go by, thereby allowing me some extra time on the computer. I check my e-mail obsessively, as though I'm waiting for urgent news. I belong to countless yahoo groups, whereas before mommyhood, I didn't really know what a yahoo group was. I've gotten very good at playing megablocks with Jonah while I read a book. And I've spent enough time with the plastic dog xyliaphone to learn both twinkle twinkle little star and the ABC song. (In case you never realized it, they're the same song -- but still it's impressive, right?)

I often wonder why I don't just get a job. Let someone else deal with the daily nap battle, the peas all over the floor, the neck breaking toys everywhere, and the boredom. Yes, the boredom. That's another confession, sometimes I'm so bored, I wonder how hard it is to be a sex phone worker. But then, my son takes a break from his blocks to come over and give me a hug and a wet, slobbery kiss. I watch him pretend to talk on the phone -- and he talks with his hands just like mommy. I hear him belly laugh when I make a silly sound. He says a new word for the first time -- and I'm here to know it. I'm here. It's as simple as that.

I have a list of complaints. I always do. But I am so grateful that my list of blessings is so much longer. Maybe the grass is greener, but I never felt the need for a perfectly manicured lawn anyway.

P.S.

Keep Katie & Adam Ulrich and their two boys in your prayers. They found out today that there home was severly damaged by the fires in Rancho Bernardo/San Diego.

Blog Lust

Is it wrong to love this blog? I mean, pemom makes me crack up with her stories. Earlier this week, Scott and I happened to be out to dinner with friends of ours who have a 15 month old son and she referred to something that I wrote on the blog. I tried not to act too excited, but it just about made my day to know that people actually read this peridocially.


I laughed when I read the last post by pemom because I happened to see her and the rest of the family at Target yesterday. I was on the phone with Scott at the time. I should say that I was on the phone and fighting with Scott. In fact, her eldest son walked right past me and waved as I was "talking" to Scott about how ridiculous I thought he was being over the items that were on the list. It's nice when the whole neighborhood knows what's going on because you've lost your mind in Target. Anyway, I'm over it...can't you tell?!

I spent my first night away from Cassie this past weekend when I flew to CO to attend my brother's wedding. Traveling took on a whole new dimension. I haven't developed a fear of flying, but I did realize just how differently I look at situation that I never thought twice about before. For instance, I was acutely aware that I didn't want anything to go wrong with the flight for fear that Cassie would grow up without her mommy. I realized in that moment we were taking off how much I worry about her. Like I've never worried before. I realized how much I want to be there for her when she needs me or even when she doesn't realize she needs me, how much I want to help her grow into a compassionate, self-confident young woman, and how I want to shield her from unnecessary hurt or pain or suffering. Ironically, I happened to be sitting next to a woman who lost her baby boy during childbirth a couple of years earlier. My gut tied up in knots. She asked if I wanted to see a picture of him and she showed my a little baby boy, ashen, swaddled up in a blanket and almost looking like he was alive.

It's amazing how much you begin to understand your own mother and all the wishes and dreams she carried around (and still does whether she is here with you or watching over you from beyond) for you since the day you were born. It's a powerful bond and one only other mothers can understand. I realize as I'm writing this that I haven't even told my husband this. I'm not sure he would fully understand what I'm talking about, although, I do believe that he is probably moved by some similar feeling from a father's perspective.

Earlier this week, a girlfriend of mine shared with me that she's pregnant with her second baby. Her first one is a little boy and she adores him. I asked her if she had a preference for the sex of this next baby and we got into this wonderful conversation about mothers and sons and mothers and daugthers. She really longs to have a daughter - to build the kind of relationship with that she shares with her own mother and I can absolutely relate to this feeling. It is what washed over me when we found out Cassie was a girl. I immediately thought about all the special things I share with my mom and how someday I hoped to share those with my own daughter. We laughed when I mentioned that some day her son would meet a woman and leave her...she said not to remind her. Do our kids really know how deeply we love them? You know the funny thing is it really doesn't matter.

Commuters Go Grocery Shopping

Picture this...I hate to grocery shop so I'm grateful when we go as a family because it means the hubby goes too. Typically we try to do this on the way home from work because the grocery store seems to be in Siberia. Yesterday we stop because there are things we need, juice, milk, bread, cereal...you get the idea! The hubby grabs a cart starts at the bakery for the free cookies and is OFF. I, having just started Weight Watchers, need a few things we don't normally purchase, as I look for these items it seems my husband is seeing how quickly he can get through the store & out the door. I get the few things I want and can find, finally catch up with him after tracking down kids several times (hubby figured the 11 year old could handle the 3 year old without supervision I guess) and catch hubby and the cart. Apparently Little Debbie has become a food group at our house as well as Warm Delights (microwavable desserts) because these are the only items I recognize in the cart. I do a quick check for milk and juice and figure he did okay, so off to the checkout lines. Yeah! it's only 4:15 we made good time! Get home unload the car, load the frig and pantry then I realize the man has gotten nothing for dinners!!! No meat of any sort, oh wait there were meatballs, but that was it for the meat department and today on the way home he asks me "What's for dinner?" I said "Figure it out, I'm going to bunco, but if I have to guess it would be spaghetti and meatballs since that is the only form of meat in the house right now!" Next response was great..."What did you get at the store?" My reply "A workout that earned me 2 activity points."

How "The Bachelor" taught me about gratitude

So here's my dilemma - I am sitting here writing this blog while I have loads of laundry that need to get done (I think I'm wearing my last pair of clean underwear), the dishwasher door is lying open (no really) waiting for me to fill it with the sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention the pile of clean clothes that are heaped over the bench at the bottom of my bed waiting to be put back onto hangers. I'm actually making myself sit here and write this blog right now because I told myself that this was going to be something I did for me that wasn't a chore. These days cleaning up the house at the end of the night is what I do to pleasure myself. It's sick, I know.

Last week was a tough one around the Gotreau casa. Cassie came down with a stuffy nose and then I got some horrible mutation of her mild cold that put me on my butt for 3 days. Of course, Cassie's biggest problem was that she couldn't sleep well which meant that mommy wasn't going to be sleeping well either. Somehow each morning, however, she woke up chipper as a jay bird while I could barely get myself to crawl out of bed. Scott offered to stay home from work, but really...that was going to be more work than help. When I'm sick, I want to be left alone. I quickly realized that a sick mommy with a sick child is probably the closest thing to hell that I have experienced in my life. It was worse than being in labor - I'd take labor over that anyday! I kept telling myself that it would only last a couple of days and to "take it one day at at time". I'm happy to say that I made it to the other side alive.

Okay, so I'm off to do the dishes, laundry, and conquer the pile of hanging clothes before "The Bachelor" comes on. I know, I know...but somehow the show makes me feel better about my own life. Maybe it's that I get to watch it with my husband lying beside me and the beautiful blessing sleeping down the hall...

Operating Instructions

Hello Moms! I'm happy to say that we have a couple of new contributors to the blog. Yeah!!! If you want to contruibute too, please let me know. I will send you an invite that will give you permission to post to the blog. Email me at shawna41@hotmail.com and I'll either resend you the initial invite or add you to the invite list! Happy Blogging!!!

A Time Out

Is it so much to ask for Mom to have a Time Out? Well, up to this point it hasn't been, but we have finally hit the stage where I cannot leave his side - I mean he has to be touching me!Every other Friday a group of my girlfriend and I meet for, what we call, Mom's Time Out! We have made arrangements for child care and the moms meet in the "other building" for some adult conversation, an activity, an inspiration (to get us through the next two weeks), and some time away from the kiddies. I was so looking forward to this break. We were going to construct some fall crafts to take home, enjoy some pumpkin pancakes, and make Halloween T-shirts for the kiddlins. Jackson had other plans...he was so confident, he marched right into the nursery and let go of my hand as to say - I don't know you lady! Even the ladies commented how grown-up he was marching right in like he owned the place! When it is that good, it is too good to be true! The second I was out of sight the alligator tears came running and I could hear his screams from the "other building". So, I guess I am not scheduled for a time out today. :(It just ended up being one of those days. One of those days when I wanted a Time Out so bad! Jackson couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted and I couldn't figure it out either. We left Mom's Time Out and went home expecting that things would return to normal. Instead, both Jack and I had a Time Out...we didn't pick up the toys, we didn't clean the house, we didn't go to the park, we didn't make lunch or dinner, and I didn't do a stitch of work. What we did do was sit on the couch and in dad's recliner and watched an hour of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and hours of HGTV and just enjoyed a Time Out with each other instead of away from each other. It was the best Mom's Time Out ever!!!

A Tuna Meltdown

It takes a lot of guts to be a good mom. (I'm going off on a bit of a tangent, but stay with me, I will circle back around!)
I must be PMSing because I woke up this morning feeling on top of the world and by lunch time I was feeling overwhelmed, overworked, conflicted about staying late at work so I could get caught up, and now I could go for a good cleansing cry. I was nearly brain-dead when I got home and Cassie was in such a good mood she just wanted to play and play and jabber and crawl and throw things on the floor repeatedly so I would have to pick them up again and again and again. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch the Oprah episode I TiVo'd today. Ever had that kind of day where you feel like you're just getting by (barely) in all areas of your life. I'm really buried at work this week and basically feel the same way at home.
Thankfully, Cassie is a happy baby for the most part and she smiles and bounces up and down when I go to pick her up at the babysitter on my way home from work each day so there is a little brightness in my day. But here's the thing, my own insecurities play tricks on me. They say, "How can you be too tired to play with your little girl? She's been with the babysitter all day?" Or they say, "You know, you haven't made dinner for Scott all week...and the tuna sandwich he had on Monday doesn't count either!"
I know I'm only 7 months into this ride of a lifetime, but I'm struck by how much courage it takes put my self-doubt aside and trust what my guts are telling me...You're a good mom! Being a mommy is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. I guess I didn't realize that being a good mom was not just about taking care of Cassie, but also about allowing the experience to transform me. I mean, now that I write that (in hindsight) it seems sort of obvious. I think I'm just used to keeping things with my reach and I'm not quite sure I'm going to be able to do live under that illusion much longer. Nothing will make that more clear than trying to each dinner at a restaurant with a 6 month old on my lap!
I hate PMS. It betrays you like a good buzz - it makes you say the stuff you really feel but would never admit to when you're sober. Of course, it does this with a few hormones thrown in to really make it interesting.

Please note: The accounts of this blog are not fictional. Scott really did have tuna for dinner on Monday night and he will be eating leftover pizza for dinner tonight.

Just another manic Monday

So I'm totally excited because someone other than me posted something on the blog. Thanks Brandy!! In addition to being thrilled that I'm not a total lunatic talking to myself, Brandy's post reminded me of one of the beautiful things about becoming a mother...the common bond it creates between you and all other women who are mothers. It moves me deeply. It's why you wait until 9:00pm to return a phone call so you can have an adult conversation without screaming in the background; it's why you make time to see each other around naps; it's why a waitress puts your plate to the side of you farthest from the high-chair...because she knows how long a babies arms can get when they want something. Thank God for the Mommy Club!!

Check out this mom: http://www.goodyblog.com/playing_house/2007/08/utter-momsense.html

What a great idea!

That lady on the cell phone that won't let you change lanes follows me every morning...I swear! And if one of the kids is unhappy there's a trucker out there who finds it hilarious that he's not letting me merge onto the 91. The hubby thinks I overreact, if he only knew the names I called him under my breath every time he "lets" someone cut us off when we carpool!

Shawna you have new adventures to begin with Carissa's new independence and you will enjoy each one immensely! They do grow up too fast so enjoy every possible moment even the not so fun ones, poopy diapers in the car-those really stink! And even though you think you will never be able to let go you will find it in your heart to let her spread her wings just like your mom did for you. Isn't it funny how our views of our parents change when we become parents?!

Friday Night Lights

Do you remember when at 7:15 on a Friday night you were just starting to think about getting dressed, putting on make-up, doing your hair, and going out for the night? My friends and I wouldn't even leave the house until 10pm. I go to bed by 10pm most nights now! Actually, I'm so tired right now that I'm not exactly sure if that happened or it's a dream I had that just seems really real. I graduated from college right?
So it's been a big week in our house. Cassie cut a tooth and finally figured out how to crawl. She's still not totally enraptured with the whole crawling activity yet, but she has figured out that she can get to things she wants by crawling and this encourages her. To tell you the truth, I felt a little sad when she the edge of her tooth emerged. Now I know that sounds a bit crazy, and maybe I'm the only one who's ever felt this way, but I actually felt tears welling up when I picked her up from the babysitter and she said she's cut a tooth. I mean teeth...kids have teeth, adults have teeth...my little baby girl does not have teeth. I was acutely aware that we passed from infant world into baby world and there's no going back. It's irrational, I know, but the whole point of this blog is to share the mommy experience without judgement so I'm saying it for all you to read. If I can't handle a tooth, how the heck am I going to let her go to school or on a date? This is how people get pregnant with their second baby isn't it? It's crazy how you forget...and so quickly. Those first 6 weeks are tough and really the first 3 months I simply survived. I'm going to resist the urge to talk my husband in to it for a while longer by remembering that it will still be another 18 years before I'll be able to hit the town in something other than my pajamas or sweat pants.

Road Rage

Is road rage genetic? I pray to God every morning as I'm putting my daughter into the car that she'll fall asleep as we drive in to work together. My whole morning revolves around what time she wakes up and what time I feed her in the hopes that we'll strike the magical balance that will cause her to fall asleep within the first 10 minutes of being in the car. Usually, I'm proud to say, it works. Today, however, is another story...she didn't sleep a wink. About 15 minutes in I hear it...she's grunting...and that kind of grunting can only mean one thing...POOP.
And I start praying, "Oh God, please don't let her be pooping. She hates to have poop in her diaper and we've still got another 40 minutes to go. Please God, please!"
But there's no stopping a baby on a pooping mission. After about 3 rounds of Old Mac Donald and 6-7 Twinkle, Twinkle solos, she realized that mommy isn't going to get her out of the Midevil torture device known as her carseat and it started. Really, is there anything more stressful than a baby screaming in her carseat? The guilt, the anxiety, the frustration...it would put the sanest person over the edge. So I begin my conversation with her about learning to be patient as I mumble the "sh word" under my breath at some lady driving while talking on her cell phone (don't get me started on that topic) who won't let me change lanes. Yes, it did strike me as a tad-bit unlikely that she will learn to be patient, but perhaps God will have mercy on my soul and gift Cassie with this trait. My mom is so patient that it's annoying sometimes so perhaps it just skipped a generation and there is hope for Cassie floating around her gene pool somewhere. Lord knows I'm a lost cause!

Does blogging count for therapy??

Okay, this blog is dedicated to my sister Lindsay and my girlfriend Jenny who helped me cook this idea up in the first place. Jenny and I talked about doing this awhile ago (before she had her baby boy who is now 2 months old) as a way to keep each other sane while commuting to work, trying to figure out this whole mommy thing we got ourselves into, and generally, just trying to enjoy our heck-tick lives. You can see how quickly I move on great ideas these days!

So here is the deal...this blog is for moms with jobs outside the home who are trying to keep it together and need a place to vent about husbands, traffic, kids, work...you get my drift. After six+ months on the mommy job, I realize how much I miss dishing with my girlfriends and a good night sleep. I really don't have time for a therapist and besides that, my husband would probably call me three times during my session to see when I'm coming home because the baby is crying. So I'm left with blogging to stay lucid. I'm hoping to create a working mommy community here and hope if you have something to add that you'll share your thoughts, ideas, resources, and motherly wisdom! Oh yeah, and forward this on to other moms you think might enjoy it too.