It takes a lot of guts to be a good mom. (I'm going off on a bit of a tangent, but stay with me, I will circle back around!)
I must be PMSing because I woke up this morning feeling on top of the world and by lunch time I was feeling overwhelmed, overworked, conflicted about staying late at work so I could get caught up, and now I could go for a good cleansing cry. I was nearly brain-dead when I got home and Cassie was in such a good mood she just wanted to play and play and jabber and crawl and throw things on the floor repeatedly so I would have to pick them up again and again and again. All I wanted to do was sit down and watch the Oprah episode I TiVo'd today. Ever had that kind of day where you feel like you're just getting by (barely) in all areas of your life. I'm really buried at work this week and basically feel the same way at home.
Thankfully, Cassie is a happy baby for the most part and she smiles and bounces up and down when I go to pick her up at the babysitter on my way home from work each day so there is a little brightness in my day. But here's the thing, my own insecurities play tricks on me. They say, "How can you be too tired to play with your little girl? She's been with the babysitter all day?" Or they say, "You know, you haven't made dinner for Scott all week...and the tuna sandwich he had on Monday doesn't count either!"
I know I'm only 7 months into this ride of a lifetime, but I'm struck by how much courage it takes put my self-doubt aside and trust what my guts are telling me...You're a good mom! Being a mommy is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. I guess I didn't realize that being a good mom was not just about taking care of Cassie, but also about allowing the experience to transform me. I mean, now that I write that (in hindsight) it seems sort of obvious. I think I'm just used to keeping things with my reach and I'm not quite sure I'm going to be able to do live under that illusion much longer. Nothing will make that more clear than trying to each dinner at a restaurant with a 6 month old on my lap!
I hate PMS. It betrays you like a good buzz - it makes you say the stuff you really feel but would never admit to when you're sober. Of course, it does this with a few hormones thrown in to really make it interesting.
Please note: The accounts of this blog are not fictional. Scott really did have tuna for dinner on Monday night and he will be eating leftover pizza for dinner tonight.
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Is it so much to ask for Mom to have a Time Out? Well, up to this point it hasn't been, but we have finally hit the stage where I cannot leave his side - I mean he has to be touching me!
Every other Friday a group of my girlfriend and I meet for, what we call, Mom's Time Out! We have made arrangements for child care and the moms meet in the "other building" for some adult conversation, an activity, an inspiration (to get us through the next two weeks), and some time away from the kiddies. I was so looking forward to this break. We were going to construct some fall crafts to take home, enjoy some pumpkin pancakes, and make Halloween T-shirts for the kiddlins. Jackson had other plans...he was so confident, he marched right into the nursery and let go of my hand as to say - I don't know you lady! Even the ladies commented how grown-up he was marching right in like he owned the place! When it is that good, it is too good to be true! The second I was out of sight the alligator tears came running and I could hear his screams from the "other building". So, I guess I am not scheduled for a time out today. :(
It just ended up being one of those days. One of those days when I wanted a Time Out so bad! Jackson couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted and I couldn't figure it out either. We left Mom's Time Out and went home expecting that things would return to normal.
Instead, both Jack and I had a Time Out...we didn't pick up the toys, we didn't clean the house, we didn't go to the park, we didn't make lunch or dinner, and I didn't do a stitch of work. What we did do was sit on the couch and in dad's recliner and watched an hour of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and hours of HGTV and just enjoyed a Time Out with each other instead of away from each other. It was the best Mom's Time Out ever!!!
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