Acid Reflux

You can certainly tell from the lack of entries as of late that life has been a little more chaotic than usual. First it was Cassie's 1st birthday, then Easter, then...yada, yada, yada. I'm in totally uncharter waters is just about every aspect of my life right now and so I've clammed up. I've been hiding. You know that feeling of "if I say anything I'll jinx it". That about sums it up with a some self-doubt and anxiety thrown into it. I'm living on Zantac these days.
Okay, so what's going on? I've been offered a promotion at work and I want to take it. I'm wrestling with how I'm going to maintain the delicate balance I've created (and when I say delicate I mean fragile) with being wife, mom, and professional woman. I've been really proud of myself this past year in how I've felt at the end of each day - tired yes, but fulfilled more days than not. Cassie's thrived and Scott and I have grown closer to each other through our love for her. I'm afraid to mess it all up. Scott is supportive and encouraging even though it means a lot of upheaval for him. It makes me fell like a little girl inside not the competent and compassionate woman that I've become over the past 32 years. I'm afraid I'll fail, that people will see the scared little girl...and then what will I do.
And so the heartburn has started. It's not quite to the same level as when Scott quit his job at Norte Vista right after we got married or when I was pregnant for that matter. But it's there as a reminder that I'm worried. As I'm writing this, I'm aware that I am achieving a goal I didn't allow myself to say out loud for so many years. And I'm crossing a threshold into a world where I don't have a lot of mentors. It's probably the first time in my life where I feel like I can't look at my mom for an example of what to do, how to be. Honestly, I think I'm also feeling selfish for wanting this for myself, and for wanting it my way. I've actually heard myself say (you know in one of those internal conversations), "Who are you to ask for this? You'll never get it...you want too much." I'm afraid that if I ask for what I want that I won't get it and then I'll lose the opportunity all together.
You know, I'm really good at what I do. My greatest strength is helping others to see their own strengths and inspiring them to direct it to a common vision. If only I could apply that principle too myself. I'm on the ride but I'm white knuckling it - I'm not enjoying it. And God, I want to enjoy it! For the first time in my life, I'm grappling with what it means to be a woman as a wife and mother and as myself. I'll keep you posted on how it's going...to be continued.

Childhood revisited

Here I go again... Colette (8 1/2 yo) has been coming home for the past few weeks (Wednesdays thru Fridays) "sharing" about friends. Their treating each other badly, poorly, disrespectfully, you pick the adjective. It only seems to come up the end of the school week. Obviously temperments have come to the lower thresholds... Anyway, I've been playing devil's advocate and trying to get her to see the other side without sharing too much of what I do know about the kids' home life. But the last two days I just have gotten frustrated and asking myself, "Why can't she see they're being so mean? Why can't she stand up for herself? What is so attractive about these girls that she needs them? Why is she still hanging out with them?" I see my childhood all over again through these talks Colette and I are sharing. Don't misunderstand - I am SO glad she's talking to me.

This morning before the bus pick up she's sharing again (timing isn't her thing just yet) about yesterday at recess. It was a Thursday so the girls fell into the trend they had set. To make the situation even worse they're all signed up for the talent show together. I asked her to drop out of the talent show. Yes, that's avoidance. But does she really need this nonsense in her life?! She looked disappointed - of course - so I said, "I want you to surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you," and used Rich and myself as examples I believed she could relate to. I first used my treasurer position in PTO. I don't hang out with the other board members. They're great volunteers but - well, let's leave it at that. I don't teach in the building I retired from because the principal and I didn't see issues the same way regarding best practices and such. I shared that Rich surrounds himself with employees that work well together and have their eye on the same prize. But I still hadn't made my point because she still "needed" those girls! So I came up with - "Colette, you are CEO and president of Colette Terese Martinez Inc. " She smiled. She liked that so I kept going. "You need to hire people that make you feel good and make you shine. Who are you going to hire?" She stopped to think and looked lost. So I offered "applicants". Some people she answered yes to with immediancy and others she gave a maybe or a no. This was working! The girls we were just talking about were maybe's or no's.

I was suddenly reminded of a time I was 7 and there was a new girl in the class. She had what we all thought was a rabbit fur coat and thought she was soooooo cool. One day she talked me into going home with her and I did. I didn't call home and came home waaaaay later than school let out. My mother, of course, was in a panic and I was grounded for a period of time, but I still liked that girl and would fall in line with ideas she had - we were in girl scouts together, talent show, slumber parties... I shared the playdate story with Colette. Her eyes got really big, "You did?!" I admitted it along with other ideas Lara came up with at slumber parties. "Should I have hired her, Colette?" "No, Mom. Grammie must have been really worried." I think I made my point.

Lesson = perhaps we shouldn't "curse" our children by saying we hope the have kids just like them when we're mad, frustrated, put out, pick the adjective.

It's Hard Not to Think that Parents Don't Care Anymore

Scott and I were at this Catholic conference this weekend. I know that sounds like a real snore, but it really wasn't. We've been to this thing before and this was the first time as parents which meant we were signed up for all the parenting focused workshops. It was actually really wonderful to do something like that together (i.e. working on being better parents together). Anyhow, one of the speakers, Dr. David Walsh, a psychologist who specializes in child and teen development and how the media plays a role in it, was especially great. He recently wrote a book called No. Why Kids-of All Ages-Need It and Ways Parents Can Say It. (http://www.mediafamily.org/store/no.shtml) that talks about the link between school/career success and self discipline...which or course we learn from how we are raised. I think I've had this attitude that some parents just don't care about teaching their children manners or appropriate behavior (and I know that some of them don't), but I came to the realization that parents are so darn scared of messing up that they don't do anything. I have a greater appreciation for how much effort and dedication it takes to be a vigilant parent about these sorts of things. Which, of course, is no excuse for those moms sitting around allowing their children to treat others with disrespect. God, help us!!
Anyway, I don't know what to say to make it better, Staci, except that you are an amazing mom raising the type of children who are going to grow up and make the world a different and better place for the next generation. You know, you've got to feel sorry for those other children whose parents think that discipline and consideration towards others aren't important enough to teach them - like good character just develops in a person like magic.
So I just wanted to say...vent all you want! You're doing a great job mom!

Normal?!

So I thought I'd treat Auden to lunch out after story time and before preschool. Not a lot of time in between but I forgot to pack a lunch. So we head to Mickey D's. They have a play place too. So we order the happy meal with dippers and milk and a yogurt parfait and sit to begin lunch that gets many play breaks. Auden takes two bites and runs off, comes back, takes two more bites, and runs off again. Indigestion waiting to happen in my world but not his until he hits thirty or so.

I look up to see what he's up to only to find another kid pushing a hitting him. Auden doesn't want to take the abuse but knows how I am about him returning "eye for an eye" maneuvers. I politely tell the mother of the little girl - yep a girl - that her daughter is abusing my son. She heads straight for her kiddo to put a stop to it. Yea!

But wait not five minutes later she's doing it again pushing Auden down and getting her littler brother in on the action too. So now I'm up in the play place telling them to keep their hands to themselves. Auden comes down for two bites and all is well until a slew of new arrivals run in screaming at the top of their lungs.

Why is screaming okay? I get it if you're outside but we're not in this situation. This was the original question or thought for me, but then some of the new arrivals started pushing Auden around and throwing him into the poles. The other moms just watched! Is that because it wasn't their kid getting pushed around or is this normal?! I'm a bit outraged and because I don't which monster belongs to which oblivious woman, I step in - literally - between two kids and Auden. I explain that there is no need to touch anybody and asked if he'd like it if Auden was doing the pushing to him. The kid stood there and blew spit bubbles at me! Why are these behaviors okay? I tell you, I think it just makes it harder to parent. I'm so disappointed in the mothers that were there today and hope I set a better example without a "holier than thou" attitude.

Just needed to vent and knew this was the place.

When my friend Jenny sent me this email, I couldn't help but laugh (and then asked her if I could post it on the blog)!

Okay, well last night Teagan decided she did not want bangs anymore so instead of telling someone, she took matters (or rather scissors) into her own hands. The bangs are gonzo....nothing to hide that extra large cranium she has. She also took about 3 inches of hair off of the right side of her head (yes, only the right side) so that the hair on that side just barely brushes the bottom of her right ear lobe. Needless to say, the rest of the hair was 'trimmed' (to put it nicely...not so nicely would be chopped) to make the hair fall evenly around the rest of her head. Yay for my team. I imagine I will be spending some time in a Beauty Salon this weekend trying to make her look less friar-like.

I was warned

Did you ever have a day that God warned you not to get up out of bed? Today would be mine... The 50 lb. puppy jumped on my face to let me know it was time to play at 4:43 a.m. Colette let me know I'm behind in laundry and she'll have to wear her sweat pants instead of jeans. Rich needs shirts taken to the cleaners so he has something to wear for an event this weekend. While on my way to open the shades in the loft thinking a little sunshine just might turn this day around; I find a shredded roll of toilet paper in my path, compliments again of the 50 lb puppy. Breathe in, breathe out... "Bad dog. No, no. Not okay." The glass door won't budge to let us out of the house, but I do get Colette to the bus stop in time, sigh. I come home to feed Auden breakfast and sit down for a cup of tea thinking it can only get better. I go up stairs to fetch something and find a new roll of shredded toilet paper blocking the stairs. Where is this dog getting the toilet paper from?! Again with the bad-dog-no-no-not-okay stuff. Breathe in, breathe out... Auden is hungry again so the second round of breakfast begins. Upstairs agin to fetch something and by the time I come down a third roll of toilet paper is shredded in the family room! Bad things happen in three's?! This is getting ridiculous, but again I think it can only get better. It's time to get going to my yoga class so I hussle Auden into the car, but the car won't start. Perhpas I don't have the clutch in... I try again and it starts. The gas light is bright and the engine light is blinking. I think that can't be right. But it is more true than I'd like to admit. The car starts to shake so I turn it off. I don't think I have enough gas to make it to the gas station let alone yoga. So I call my knight in shining armour. "Well, you'll need a funnel to get the lawnmower gas into the tank." Direct, that works for me. "But we don't have a funnel, so what are you going to do?" If I knew would I be calling?! "I'm going into a seminar now. Who's around there to help you out?" No one. It's Wednesday and everyone has preschool this morning. "I'll skip the seminar. No, I'll move my lunch and come home to help you then. What time does Auden go to preschool?" Aren't there two parents who know what their kids do? I suppose beggars can't be choser, but... Back into the house because I'll take my shower now that I don't have yoga. I come down stairs to find a third roll of toilet paper shreded in the family room. Where is this dog getting the toilet paper from?! "He' taking it from Colette's shelf, Mommy," says Auden innocently enough. Again with the bad-dog-no-no-not- okay routine. What a day and it's only 9:15 a.m. And here comes Auden with two gummi bears, "This will help, Momma." Now I feel even worse because I think I've taught my kid that food can solve your problems!

Yeah Cassie!!