Deja vu

So I called Scott on the way home from work this evening and said, "Let's meet for dinner on the way home." Cassie was sleeping in the back and it seemed like it might actually work. Most of the time when we're out Cassie turns on the charm and we end up with people stopping by to talk to her or servers playing peek-a-boo with her. Not tonight! She was in rare form and not in the mood to be out with mommy and daddy during meal time. As she's screaming at the top of her lungs her disapproval of the entire evenings activities and throwing Cheerios on the floor, I notice out of the corner of my eye that the people sitting behind us are three college age boys and a girl eating pasta and trying not to seem bothered by our out-of-control child. And I have a flash back - Geez time goes fast. Wasn't that just me thinking, "Those parents really need to get that kid under control. There are other people trying to eat here. My kids will not act like that in a restaurant." I don't know about you, but I still kind of feel like that same college age kid inside and sometimes I can't even believe that it's me schleeping the diaper bag and high chair cover and sippy cup and snack bag with me every were I go. Sometimes it feels like an out of body experience being a mother. Do you ever feel prepared or is this how the next, well, rest of my life is going to feel like?

So how did staying at home get so incredibly hard? I enjoyed being a working mom. I felt my superhuman strength emerge each morning when I would rise before the sun to workout or take a shower in peace. My super powers included; but weren't limited to, human regeneration (birthing two wonderful human beings), multitasking (driving and singing Raffi at the same time or writing sub plans while holding a vomiting child), linguist (knowing when to talk like an adult and when to speak kid), and flexibility (keeping the household organized, time management, knowing when to wear what hat depending on where I was and who I was with, etc). I knew I could do it all. I was invincible.

Then one day it seemed the world was falling apart. We all know: when it rains, it pours. There were health issues for the kids and extended family, there were needs at Colette's school that weren't being met, there were demanding classroom parents and their wayward children, and we can't forget potty training.

So I admitted I was stressed and tried some "rejuvenating" activities like scrapbooking - that was all about the kids, or reading - that was all about work or the kids, or taking a class or two - that was all about work, or working out - I was so tired of getting up at 4:30 everyday before I full day of teaching but couldn't scream. So was any of this helping me? I was still stressed. As you can see nothing was really about rejuvenating the spirit from within myself.

Nobody hands you book of instructions when you leave the hospital with your bundle of joy - not even the second time! And advice is usually given without asking thus adding to a mom's stress. I have had to really consider what's important in this lifetime amd make adjustments that aren't always easy. And I've had to continue to make readjustments sometimes putting things back where I had started from.

Being a mom is tough whether you're working or not because YOU ARE ALWAYS WORKING! Hang in there mommies of the world. This job is probably the most important and underpaid, but it will be the most rewarding of your life. Celebrate the little things and remember to smell the roses even when those roses are the poop your little one hasn't been able to get out for the past week - Colette's health issue!
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Birds of a Feather Flock Together

For all of you out there who want to write on the blog, but feel intimidated. I was recently sent this email by a good friend:

Hi Shawna,
I would like to contribute. I had to give this some thought, because after reading all of your blog entries--I thought to myself--"I can't write like this". I have problems in that department. But most of all the entries impacted me, because I can relate. So if you all accept my grammar errors and my unorganized thoughts--I would love to contribute. I really think I need something like this right now--I don't have a lot of friends with children and some of my single friends--well have a hard time relating--and then others are having some issues with themselves because they are not married and me having kids is making depressed (???). I don't know if you have experience this Shawna, but anyway the bottom line is that I think this support for mothers is a brilliant idea. Thanks.

Here's my response:

We love you exactly how you are...it doesn't have to be perfect...the point is exactly how you stated it...we mothers need each other...especially us first time ones. I don't know about you, but there are many times when I feel like I have no idea if my feelings are normal or I'm in need of professional help. What I've learned from the times that I've shared my craziness is that 9 out of 10 times I'm still in the range of normal. I can also totally relate to the friends with no kids/crisis about being somehow behind. Before Cassie, I was definitely the first and it has only been since having Cassie that I've realized that it's just something that is hard to relate to until you've had children...but I didn't get that back then and I think some of my friends must have thought I was really unsupportive at times. I've come to realize that it's just the ebb and flow of friendship and the really true ones weather the push and shove of these uneven life changes. As a woman, I need the companionship of other women (I think that's part of how God made us) and that is even more so since I became a mom - that's why I started the blog - because I needed to be around other moms, and in this day and age, they don't always live next door or even in the same town most of the time. Anyhow, share - I know I need it.
Lots of love - Shawna

P.S. If you don't feel like writing, just post a picture of your kid(s) or share a good resource such as a website or recipe your kid(s) love.

The grass isn't always greener

I have a new year's resolution to write something - whether it be as simple as a "to-do" list or as painful as a chapter for a novel - every day. I've been wanting to blog for a couple months now, but really should have started this when I "retired" from teaching to stay home with the kids.

I have two beautiful, strong, smart kiddos. I'm not a working mom any more, but boy do I work harder now then I did when I was teaching and running the house! I started staying home in June of 2006. I had always thought how nice it would be to be able to stay home, feeling financially stable, catch up on all my projects that fall to the wayside... Are you laughing out loud yet?!

Let me tell you about the first week I was a SHM. I cleaned and organized the entire 3200 square feet of the house I'd like to be a sactuary - a place of retreat and love. I was put on a budget because sacrifices had to be made. And my to do list was completed in a week. My oldest was still in school for two weeks and my youngest was home wondering what we would do next - the zoo, the library, the pool, some other adventure not yet planned? So week two of retirement came and I cleaned the house again, but this time in one day. I was pretty proud of myself until I realized that was going to be the rest of my time at home.

So I set up a schedule. My teaching days were full of schedules so it's a system that worked well for me. Funnily enough though I never had either of my babies on a schedule when they were infants. Instead of cleaning the whole house every day, I scheduled one room per day and an outing or project for the kids and me. We had a great time for 3 weeks and then my oldest went back to school. Now I had Auden all to myself again.

His third birthday was coming up in a few weeks and he wasn't quite potty trained yet. So I set a goal that we would have that completed by his birthday. You're laughing again, aren't you? We did pretty good with the peeing, but pooping was inconsistent. And yet another wrench was thrown into the gears - he wouldn't get dressed. He only wore underwear (Or was naked. I have lots of naked pictures of him that summer) up until Fall arrived and then he'd just wear his jammies! (I have lots of pictures of this too) How could there be problems in paradise?! I was a SHM! Things were supposed to be grand! I was in complete control! If you're not laughing yet you should be. If I only knew then what I know now... So, the grass isn't always greener, but the view is educational.

Back from the Dead

I know that the title seems a little dramatic, but it is actually more true than not when I look back over the past few months. I have been MIA because I have been totally overwhelmed by my life - work, the holidays, husband, baby, sick baby, sick husband, sick me. It's just been more than I could handle, to tell you the truth.
But this past weekend, my sisters, mom, my best friend and her sister and mother all attended an event called Mom's Day Out in Southern California put on by an organization called Hearts at Home. I was very skeptical when my sister sent me the information. My cynicism got me thinking it was going to be some over-the-top Christian revival that put working moms in the same category as a terroist. I even sent them a snippy email asking if they were going to try and talk me into quitting my job and staying home. What do you think, am I a little strung out???
I can honestly say that it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. As a result, I honestly feel, probably since I first found out that I was pregnant, that I found a piece of myself again. Like I said, I know that sounds dramatic, and it wasn't that this conference mainfested a miracle right here in Corona, but the whole day was spent reminding me that I am not alone on this motherhood rollercoaster ride. All week I have been on a "retreat high" Who knew a day away, first learning about myself as wife and mother, followed by a fun afternoon of wine tasting, dinner out, and a movie (I can't tell you the last time I was in a theatre) with some really special women in my life could have such an enormous impact on me. That day away taught me how important it is to refuel myself, and my mom, sisters and friends all said the same thing. In fact, my best friend, Niki, told me it's the only reason her husband is still alive this week. She said this as she was packing up for a family skiing trip as he was out hunting for snow chains at 9:00pm the night before they were leaving.
Cassie's almost 11 months old now and it has got me thinking over the last year. I'm amazed by her. She is my hearts joy. She is my biggest challenge. What a ride...and to think it has only just begun.

Jealous Confessions

I'm not a commuting mommy. Unless, of course, you count the 1-2 hours a week I teach yoga (which I don't). I am mostly a stay at home mom, and most days I don't think I'm very good at it. This is my confession: many days I am jealous of working moms. I know it's a grass is greener situation, but let me continue. Today as my darling husband was about to leave for work, I asked if he could watch the boy for 2 minutes so I could use the bathroom. I got a martyred, "GO." "Forget it, I'll take him." I replied. "No it's fine." he said. It clearly wasn't, but if he's not going to be honest, that's his problem, not mine. As I was sitting in the bathroom for two minutes I thought, "He doesn't have a clue."

I was daydreaming just then of using the bathroom all day without anyone unrolling all the toilet paper, putting little hands in the toilet, grabbing my hairbrush and hiding it where I'll never find it, or pinching my leg because I'm taking too long and he wants to go play. I think if I worked outside the house, I might never come out of the bathroom. I'd bring my book in there, and sit. That's it. Just sit. I know I wouldn't get much actual work done. But it's my current fantasy. I also dream of eating a meal without having to share it, pick up half of it off the floor, or sing songs to my son to keep him in the high chair while I try to finish eating.

Most days, I take it hour by hour, simply getting through the day. Even though my pediatrician has warned me against t.v. for eyes and brains under 3, I sing "Alleluia" when Seasame St. comes on at 10. I love Wednesdays because my son is entertained watching the garbage trucks go by, thereby allowing me some extra time on the computer. I check my e-mail obsessively, as though I'm waiting for urgent news. I belong to countless yahoo groups, whereas before mommyhood, I didn't really know what a yahoo group was. I've gotten very good at playing megablocks with Jonah while I read a book. And I've spent enough time with the plastic dog xyliaphone to learn both twinkle twinkle little star and the ABC song. (In case you never realized it, they're the same song -- but still it's impressive, right?)

I often wonder why I don't just get a job. Let someone else deal with the daily nap battle, the peas all over the floor, the neck breaking toys everywhere, and the boredom. Yes, the boredom. That's another confession, sometimes I'm so bored, I wonder how hard it is to be a sex phone worker. But then, my son takes a break from his blocks to come over and give me a hug and a wet, slobbery kiss. I watch him pretend to talk on the phone -- and he talks with his hands just like mommy. I hear him belly laugh when I make a silly sound. He says a new word for the first time -- and I'm here to know it. I'm here. It's as simple as that.

I have a list of complaints. I always do. But I am so grateful that my list of blessings is so much longer. Maybe the grass is greener, but I never felt the need for a perfectly manicured lawn anyway.

P.S.

Keep Katie & Adam Ulrich and their two boys in your prayers. They found out today that there home was severly damaged by the fires in Rancho Bernardo/San Diego.